I came across an article today titled "I Waited Until My Wedding Night To Lose My Virginity And I Wish I Hadn't". Immediately I knew I had to read this article because I longed to understand and see what this desperate soul was talking about. If you would like to read the entire article it can be found here. If you don't want to read it, that is fine too as I will reference what she said in this post.
She begins by describing that she was taught to remain pure until she was married and that she made the decision to do so at church alongside many other girls. Her story doesn't sound too different from mine. I made the choice when I was maybe 12 or 13 to remain sexually abstinent until I was married. My reasons did include following Catholic Church teaching (she was in a Baptist church - in case you were wondering so she followed their church teachings) as the main reason, but there were other factors that included; not wanting to disappoint my family, wanting to do it right - having children in the context of a marriage, etc.
Her reasons include her church's teachings, but I struggle to say that they were entirely accurate. Her church taught that "sex was for married people" - check I agree with that completely. But here is where it gets a little interesting for me; "extramarital sex was sinful and dirty and I would go to Hell if I did it." While having sex outside of marriage is sinful, maybe it is because I am Catholic, but I know that if you were contrite of heart and went to confession and didn't do it again, you would be forgiven and not condemned to Hell. I feel like this is a horrible scare tactic to convince a young 10 year old girl to remain a virgin. There are lots of reasons to remain a virgin before you marry the one person that you promise to share your mind, heart, body, and soul with and scaring someone to believe that they will go to Hell is just not one of the motivators you need to have.
Additionally, her church taught that "it was entirely possible that my future husband wouldn't remain pure for me, because he didn't have the same responsibility, according to the Bible..." - and this is where I draw the line. While it is entirely true that your future spouse may not have saved himself just for you and that you could forgive them because Christ can forgive them... NOWHERE and I MEAN NOWHERE does scripture excuse them from being pure and remaining pure until they give themselves to you. Christ calls us to the same standards - both MALE AND FEMALE!
The Catholic Church teaches that sex is sacred. It is an act for only two people that are married. CCC 2360 states, "Sexuality is ordered to the conjugal love of man and woman. In marriage the physical intimacy of the spouses becomes a sign and pledge of spiritual communion. Marriage bonds between baptized persons are sanctified by the sacrament." This and the fact that if you have sex outside of marriage, by the very act of sexual intercourse you lie with your body and tell the other person 'I love you with the type of love only someone in a married relationship can love you like' is just that, a lie. (I am so passionate about this that I feel I am going to write an entire blog on it - so I will leave it at this). There are some wonderful resources on our bodies and waiting for marriage and how to have a good faith filled courtship. Check out Theology of the Body by Pope Saint John Paul II, which you can read here. Also, check out the Catechism of the Catholic Church on Marriage. And you can also get amazing books like Christian Courtship in an Oversexed World.
She goes on to talk about how she would wear her "virginity like a badge of honor". How sad that our society, our churches have even gotten to the point of having to praise the virgin. We should all be virgins until we give ourselves to our only spouse! Being a virgin shouldn't be your identity, it shouldn't be what defines you (it may define some of your choices and your character, but it should never be your one and only label). Being a virgin is huge and finding someone who you date/court who supports you and may even God-willing, share purity with you is amazing. Long story short, her wedding night wasn't what she thought it would be. She cried and felt that she was sinful and dirty. She felt like others judged her and she was ashamed to "be" in front of her spouse. She obliged herself for her husbands sake until she finally told him how horrible it made her feel. She went to counseling and no longer goes to church or is religious so that she can choose sex. She is convinced that "the entire concept of virginity is used to control female sexuality" and if she could go back she wouldn't wait until marriage.
So here is the thing, I waited until I got married to have sex. And my wedding night was the greatest night of my entire life. After dating the most incredible man for almost 6 years, I finally had the greatest privilege of sharing my innermost being with him. I was so incredibly fortunate to be blessed by God with a man who shared my passion and desires in life and like me had made a promise to wait until he was married. I am not saying that our first night was amazing like the movies. It was amazing to us because we got to share the most intimate thing that we possess in the context of a Sacrament - a perpetual vow, a promise for a lifetime. I won't lie to you, it hurt, but the fact that I got to share that moment and be consoled in that moment by the person who promised to love me for my whole life is something so beautiful to me. How sad it is that someone would have that experience with some random person who isn't invested in them for life. I loved that moment because my spouse was able to show me the most tender love I have ever known.
Never once did I feel dirty, ashamed, etc... while the first nights weren't the greatest in the world, like all good things in Marriage we got better as we practiced! ;) The thing is, when you wait and then give yourself freely (without condoms, Birth Control, or other barriers) you get to experience the greatest gift that God gave to us - the ability to love as much as is humanly possible. No other person can you love like you love your spouse. When you share the intimate bond that sex is, you are sharing in God's love as fully as you can here on earth.
The day after we were married I didn't think, "I can't see my parents because they know I've done it now" or "I can't go to Church where everyone I know is because they may think of me differently" or whatever else someone might think. We are married PEOPLE and like all good married people we do what married people do. If someone had a problem with that or looked at you weird, they are the one with the problem, because sharing the marital embrace is the greatest thing you can do as Husband and Wife - and if you aren't doing it - that is the serious problem!
IF I COULD GO BACK AND DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN --- I WOULD STILL CHOOSE TO BE A VIRIGN UNTIL I WAS MARRIED because it is the greatest gift in the world to know that I gave my heart to one person and one person alone and that I have loved as Christ called me to love!
I encourage you today - think back to your marital vows, remember what they mean - and love your spouse with a love that only you can give them.
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